Before I got pregnant in January I wanted to have twins. I even read articles on what to eat to have twins. Jeremy's mom is an identical twin and I have siblings that are twins and I thought I had a pretty good chance :) When I had my first ultrasound and was told that I was pregnant with one baby, I thought, darn, maybe next time. But then when I had my second and there were twins... I was in shock, but so happy! It was literally a dream come true :) I just knew that one was a boy and one was a girl. So did Jac. When I found out I had lost one, I knew it was my son. When the ultrasound tech told me we still had our little girl, it was confirmed in my mind and heart. When we told Jac, he knew it was his brother. Even though technology has not been able to tell us this, the Spirit has. So we named him. His name is Cooper. His sister's name is Kate. I love these names! Kate was in the running when we had Reese and my friend told me the name Cooper when she was pregnant with her little boy over a year ago and I fell in love with it. Glad she didn't use it :)
It's hard loosing a child. I never could imagine a pain like this. I didn't know I could miss someone I never got to meet face to face. But I do. So much sometimes. I keep going over in my mind the last ultrasound I had when they were both okay. I remember seeing both their hearts beating and being so relived. Watching them kick at each other and having the hiccups. I remember feeling them both move for the first time and smiling in anticipation for when they got bigger and REALLY being able to watch my stomach "dance". I remember the dread I felt too, but I don't like to remember that, knowing those feelings were right.
This is something that I am just not going to be able to "get over" as I have had some people suggest. I had one "kind" person suggest I throw his ultrasound pictures away. That keeping them around would just make moving on harder for me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! She doesn't have kids, so I tried as politely as I could to help her realize that he is my child and these few grainy black and white pictures are all I will ever have of him. I will never get to see his face in this life. I will never get hand and feet molds or pictures of his tiny hands with mine or lay him to rest. And although I know the pain will be softened over time, I know I will always remember. This isn't something you just forget about. Especially watching his sister grow and hit all those milestones he would have hit too. I look forward to my due date and dread it at the same time.
To be done with this pregnancy will be so bittersweet. I am scared too.
I met with one of my specialist last Tuesday and he was so wonderful. Dr. Esplin, explained to me that I have a 40% higher chance of going into preterm labor. He also explained that because of Cooper's position I will probably need to deliver Kate by C-section. Which makes me sad because so much want to do Skin to Skin.
I should go now, my two little darlings are not going to sleep like they should :)
Our Family
6 comments:
Its good to get your thoughts down. <3 So did the two little tikes take a nap today?!?! :)
They did not take a nap, and they didn't go to sleep until 10! Little stinkers!
It's hard being so far away right now I wish I was closer to help anyway possible. I still hold you and your little family in my prayers. I can't even begin to imagine what your feeling right now :(
Oh Lacie! I hope this isn't unwanted advice, but I would fight and beg and plead and really explore you're options to know for sure if you can't try to deliver vaginally. And if it is absolutely unavoidable, fight for skin to skin and keeping Kate with you in the OR while they sew you up. I know it's uncommon but this is my 4th c-section and I've found a dr who is going to allow it for me. As long as baby is doing well I will get to keep him and Jeremy in the OR and even attemp to get him latched on as soon as possible. I'm so grateful for my dr working with me to have that chance.
I'm so glad you named Cooper. People will say stupid things. This loss is so abstract, even to other mothers, that no one knows how to really respond to the grief we feel. I'm so glad you have those ultrasound pictures. They are worth gold. And I'm sure someday Kate will treasure them too. I have a box of Delaney's memories that I couldn't imagine someone telling me I didn't need or shouldn't keep. I think of you often. And I love you!
Not unwanted at all Tiff! I didn't even know you could keep your baby in the OR while they sew you up... now that I know that it happens, I will definitely talk to my doctor about that. Thank you!
They don't typically do it, that's why I wanted you to know about it. You may have to fight for it a bit. I was ready to, but I'm confident that Heavenly Father put me on a path with a great doctor who was happy to work with my wishes. But I honestly hope you can avoid the OR. It's not the end of the world, it just isn't what any mom hopes for in a delivery.
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