Setting in

I really feel like the baby we lost was a boy.  I have felt from the time I found out we were expecting twins that we would have a boy and a girl.  Jac says he knows he was. 
The other night after reading in the New Testament about Jesus performing miracles Jac turned to me and started crying.  When I asked him what was wrong he told me that he wished his baby brother wouldn't have died.  This broke my heart. I hugged him and told him that we didn't know for sure that it was his brother and he immediately set me straight.  Telling me that he knows that if there is a sister in there, then there was a brother.  I honestly feel so too. And so this is what I will refer to my Baby A as.  My little boy.  He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to pray and tell Jesus to put his baby brother back in my belly.  He told me Jesus could do it.  I firmly believe he could, but in the same breath, I know he wouldn't.  As badly as I want him to, as much as I have cried and prayed he would, I know that this is not his will.  And most of the time it's okay. Most of the time...

I tell myself to just keep breathing.

I don't really know how to begin this post.  There are so many thoughts and emotions that it's hard to process it all. This is really long and so much more for me to remember than anything else.
We announced that we were expecting twins a few weeks ago...
After we found out I started looking at stuff on the internet about twins.  The idea of breast feeding seemed daunting, but I really wanted to do it for both my babies so I thought I would read about others experiences.  One site that I looked at had a woman's story of how she was expecting twins and lost one and how devastated she was.  At the time, I just thought, how horrible and awful that would be.  Little did I know that that article would keep creeping back into my mind, but it did.  Over the next few weeks, I would randomly think about this poor woman's loss.  It scared me.  I had an ultrasound at 16 weeks and everything looked great and it put my mind at easy. We scheduled an ultrasound here in Cedar for the 2nd of May and I was so excited.
I knew that because Jeremy wouldn't be able to make it because it was on a weekday (He has been living and working in Provo since the beginning of April and can only come home on the weekends) I wanted to do a Gender Reveal Cake Party with family and close friends.  So I started my planning on that.  About a week later the doubts and feelings came back.  I talked to a few friends about it and they would reassure me and would remind me about the good ultrasound I had just had.  I knew I was just focusing on negative things and again tried to push these thoughts out of my mind.  I wanted to go in for another ultrasound, but thought I was just being paranoid.  I had to take my kids to the doctors for strep and Dr. Newman  asked about my ultrasound and wanted me to change the date to May 9th, so that I could go to St.George to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office where they handle high risk pregnancies.  Because I was carrying twins and also because we have a history with congenital heart defects.  This pushed my ultrasound back a week and the thought of that was sicking, but I understood why he would want that.
So I just kept praying and trusting that things were okay and telling myself that I was being silly to worry about something that happened to someone else.  I had started to feel the babies move a little and that was a relief.  It wasn't a lot, but I kept telling myself that they were still so tiny.  The Friday, Saturday and Sunday before my ultrasound the feeling of loosing one of my babies was so strong that I finally prayed and just turned everything over to the Lord.  I had been praying this whole time, don't get me wrong, but I was praying that my babies would be healthy and strong and that nothing would happen to them.  This time, I really told my Father in Heaven my fears and what I had been feeling and how I couldn't get rid of this feeling.  It's hard to describe what I felt after.  Calmed. Not that everything would be okay with the babies, but that it all would be right. I didn't understand what it all meant. I think somewhere deep down inside of me knew, but I didn't know yet.
My ultrasound was on a Thursday, but I had an appointment with my Doctor on Wednesday.  So I packed me and the kids to go to St.George (we were going to go stay at my parent's that night because of my appointment the next day) and then took them to a friends house to play while I went to my appointment.  One the way in I saw a lady getting her twins out of the car and smiled to myself thinking that would be me one day.  As I sat in the waiting room, I flipped through magazines and tried to think of how much better I would feel after I heard their heartbeats.
When my doctor came in he talked to me about how I was feeling and I shared with him my experience (I love that he is LDS) and he tried to reassure me that the twins being in their own sacks was a great thing.  I laid back and we immediately found Baby B's heartbeat (sigh of relief), When he went to find Baby A's, he couldn't, but we have had trouble finding heartbeats before.   Not wanting to alarm me, he said that we would just go look on the ultrasound.  At this point I was really talking to myself, reassuring myself and trying not to think of IT.  When I laid back and the lights went off, I dreaded what I would see on that little screen.  Quickly finding Baby B and seeing the heartbeat was good, but I knew that and wanted to see Baby A, and then I saw.  My baby.  Not moving. No heartbeat. And visibly smaller than the first.
"It's not moving, is it?" I said.
"No and the size difference is a concern".
I just started crying. When the lights came on Dr. Newman explained that it looked like a couple weeks ago my baby had died.  He sat with me and talked about tender mercies. About how I was being prepared on some level, and I see it now.  As devastated as I was right then,  the feeling of that it would be alright was there.  It didn't really comfort me in that moment though. I wanted my baby's heart to be beating.  I wanted to see my baby move.  How do I tell Jeremy this?  How do you call your husband who is over 200 miles away and tell him one of his babies is dead? I couldn't. When I told Dr. Newman this, he immediately offered.  And so I sat there as he so graciously did.  When he handed me the phone after breaking the news, I just cried into it.  Jeremy said he would be here as soon as he could and I begged him to be safe.  He seemed so calm.  I called my mom and then my sister.  She needed to come get me.  I couldn't even see.  We went and got my kids and then got our stuff from the house and headed to my parents.  Karlee drove.
I called the lady who was making my cakes and canceled my party.  I cried, a lot.  My mom let my family know.  Which I am grateful for.  I find saying those words, still almost a week later, are the hardest words to utter.  I say them to myself sometimes, because it's hard to believe sometimes.
I was so grateful when Jeremy finally got there.  To just hold me.
The next day, the day of our ultrasound was here.  The excitement was replaced with a dread of seeing that little lifeless body again.  The nurse checking us in, hadn't gotten the memo and when she checked that I was there for twins and a VSD (the hole Jac had when he was born).  I had to say those words again.  Then I again had to explain to the tech and the specialist.
They needed to do measurements on Baby A.  She said that it looked like the baby had passes around 17 weeks 4 days  (I was 19 weeks 4 days then). She took a picture of the face for me and explained how it would look skeletal because my body had already started to break the baby down.  That is how it has been explained to me when I ask what will happen to the baby's body.  My body will break it down and reabsorb it. And when I deliver Baby B, I will deliver the placenta and what ever is left.  I know it sounds horrible, but in a way I get to have my baby with me a little longer.  The baby was all folded and we couldn't determine the gender which was really hard too.  I wanted to know. 
When we finally got to measuring Baby B,  things got a little better.  The Tech was very thorough checking everything, especially the heart. We found out here that we were having a little girl.  After the ultrasound the Specialist met with us and brought in a grief councilor.  He explained how because of the loss of one twin my chances of preterm labor are increased. He also told us our twins were di di, which is the best we could hope for in this situation.  There isn't a risk of twin to twin transfusion syndrome.  We will see him again in a month.  He will be monitoring me during the next few months.  The councilor was very helpful for both Jeremy and I to talk to.  
We went to the temple and just sat outside on the grounds for awhile and talked.  And I don't know if this baby will come to us in this life through another pregnancy or if I will get to raise them in the next life, but I do know that this baby is apart of our family and we will get him or her someday.
Loosing a twin is hard. I have had someone say to me "at least you have another baby."  And you know, having twins was never about having a backup. I do not take for granted the fact that I am still pregnant.  My heart shatters for those mothers who lose a baby during pregnancy and then have nothing but a memory box to remember.  Each baby lost is a tragedy.  And I know that every milestone in my little girls life will be a reminder of this lost child and somehow I already feel like I am being unfair to her.  I am so grateful to have this little girl, I can't begin to describe how happy I am to still have her. But when I am alone and it's quite, the sadness is overwhelming.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have been there for us during this time.  Your words truly mean so much.