An Adventure

*It's a long one*

I really did mean to write before now.  I want to remember these last few weeks forever and I wish I would have written while I was in the hospital, but I was very very tired and emotionally drained and just couldn't bring myself to do it.  So, I will try to remember as much as I can.  :)  

September 16th:

Jeremy and I were not very smart and we had stayed up watching a movie the night before.  I really just wasn't tired, even thought I knew we had to be up at 3am the next morning.  I think I fell asleep around 12:30am... so on a little sleep we left Washington at 4am to drive to Cedar City so we could be there at 5am and start the ECV.  We arrived right on time and our room was all ready and by the time I was changed and had my IV hooked up the anesthesiologist was there to start my epidural.  He asked me if I had trouble with my previous epidurals and when I said yes, he wanted to leave.   I'm sure doing something like that would be more daunting on someone who had had two previous bad experiences.  And this time proved to be no different.  :)  After a few tries,  we thought he had it, but I soon started hyperventilating and then it seemed as if someone was squeezing my lungs.  I felt like I was was trying to breathe through mud.  It was a very scary feeling and tears started immediately. I just leaned on Jeremy and cried.  They nurse was yelling at me to breathe and  I wanted to yell back 'What do you think I am trying to do!' It was all very intense.  After taking it out, the anesthesiologist ran to the OR to grab a different kit, moved up a section on my back and  it went in like clock work.  Which is great, but we used up a lot of my numbing time and Dr. Newman and Dr. Gathrum were waiting and I was not completely numb when they started the procedure.  That and the unimaginable amount of pressure was enough to make me want to regret agreeing to the procedure in the first place.  WOW!  They quickly realized that instead of being in the transverse position she had been in on Friday, she had now moved up to being totally breech again (maybe I should not have gotten that massage a few days before :) )   They tried 3 times and although they could get her body to move,  her head was not moving.  After the third time though, I couldn't stand it anymore.  Dr. Newman told me I still had choices :) albeit not very many :)  I could A: have a c-section now. B: wait and schedule one for later in the week. C: wait a week and see if she will turn on her own and if she doesn't then schedule a c-section then (but he and Dr. Gathrum both didn't think she was going to turn)... fabulous choices right?  Thinking about my recent epidural and the fact that Jeremy was already down and had time off, I chose option A.  As soon as I chose, it was like a dance started.  There were all these people twirling around doing things and prepping things...  "There is no dignity in childbirth" one of the nurses said as she was quickly "prepping" the area.  Man, that is true.  Jeremy was given clothes and told to change and wait for someone to come get him.  I was nervous leaving him I didn't want to do any of this by myself.  But he smiled and kissed me and said he would be there soon.  He is good at hiding how much he is freaking out.  :)  

Now, I don't know what I had in mind as far as how a c-section goes, but this next part was NOT it at all how I imagined. They push me into this bright white, busy looking room with a baby warmer and a big metal bed and it is freezing and they lift me onto the metal bed and I want to apologize for the chocolate cake I had the night before :)  My arms were layed out from my body, but were not strapped down like people had told me they would be (so thankful for that.)  When they threw up the big blue sheet, I guess I really didn't think they would immediately start, but, they did and I had what is called a hot spot where the epidural wasn't working and I could feel the cut.  I screamed out and the anesthesiologist started pushing drugs into my epidural and IV. Poor guy, I just kept screaming.  Finally he said to Jeremy, "this is the last thing we can try before we just knock her out."  Now these kinds of drugs are weird.  As a person who has never done drugs before, I don't know if it is like this all the time, but in my mind, I felt completely lucid.  But, completely out of control of what my body was doing or what I was saying.  Jeremy said at this point I sounded like a zombie.  Said it asked him out a bit.  That there were 3 times when I "moaned" while exhaling for 45 seconds.  He said when he asked if that was normal the anesthesiologist was like, "It's just the drugs." and then when I didn't stop, he quietly would push more drugs into my IV.  I on the other hand remember things spinning and shapes and thinking that this is what the Ender's Game movie would be like :)  I remember a baby crying and asking if that was Kate. I remember, vaguely, a baby next to my face and asking if Cooper had been born yet.  I remember my doctor reassuring me that both my babies were born.  Then I remember feeling it was almost violently that I was waking up.  There was so much pain and I was very aware of it.  I could only focus on that and I remember thinking that I should ask where my baby was and where Jeremy was, but the words never made it out.  Just "It hurts".  Back in my room, Jeremy came in and I was given some morphine and the pain finally was bearable.  It was about an hour from the time Kate was born to when she was brought in.  I don't think I can put into words properly what it was like to see her.  the only thing that comes to mind is love at first sight.  It really does happen :)  It was different with Jac and Reese. I watched as they entered this world and were placed on my chest and it was beautiful and I wanted that so bad with Kate. But when they placed her in my arms, it was pretty amazing too :)  She latched on perfectly and I don't think I let her go for the next 10 hours :) Things were just about perfect with her there.  

I asked Jeremy if he had seen Cooper and he told me he had.  As much as I didn't want to, I needed to know how that was.  Without going into to much detail he explained that there wasn't much of his body left, 4 inches of calcified bone and a flat placenta.  That was hard to try and wrap my head around.  Here I was holding this perfect little 7lb 4 oz girl and the baby that I once felt, along with her in my belly was 4 inches of calcified bone.  We had been assured that after the birth the hospital would be able to take care of his remains for us.  That we could spend our time focusing on Kate.  But it was only a few hours before we were visited by the hospital social worker explaining to us that in March of this year a bill was passed that moved the still born age from 20 weeks gestation to 16 weeks gestation.  Meaning that Cooper wasn't a miscarriage, he was a still birth.  Meaning, the hospital could not take care of his remains, we would need to have a mortuary come and handle his "body".  We would need to pay to have him buried or cremated.  We would need to fill out a death certificate.  We could not just focus on this happy time of Kate's birth.  

PLEASE  don't get me wrong.  recognizing my son as a still birth does not bother me.  Paying doesn't not bother me, it was the shock of having to deal with it all.  When a singleton is miscarried at 17 weeks, the mother is then induced and the baby is born and the family grieves and deals with it then.  We, I, have been dealing with this for 20+ weeks dreading and looking forward to the day I would deliver.  To finally get to a place where I want to focus on Kate as much as I can and have this be the happy celebration it should be and then be told that I have to deal with the death of my son all over again.  That night they had to give me something to sleep.  I cried. A lot.  I wrote my Legislature to try and get my point of view looked at.  That maybe in the case of a multiple birth when there is not much left of the baby's body, that the hospital be allowed to handle the baby's remains.  After all, there really is no "body".  And it breaks my heart that I couldn't give my baby a kiss and lay him to rest tucked in a blanket and buried.  It completely breaks my heart.

We were released from the hospital on Thursday and made the drive back to Washington.  It has been good to be here at my parents.  I literally don't know what I would have done without them.  C-sections are so different and I was not expecting this type of pain.  BUT  Kate is here and we love having her here. I feel Cooper with us and I know he will be with us someday.  Now it's my job to be worthy to raise him :) 

Kindergarten!!!

Today is Jac's first day of Kindergarten and he couldn't be more excited!  He was very matter of fact with Reese who wanted to go with him SO bad.  He said to her, "Reese, you are just to little and someday when you are big and awesome like me, you can go too, but I won't be there because I will be bigger and in another class."  

I was looking through his baby book last night and found his one year old pictures and I just can't believe how fast the time has flown by!  I'm sad that this early childhood is over, it has been so much fun watching him grow.  He is such a great kid and I am happy that he will get to grow and learn and discover who he is :)

 Jac and Reese.  She made her own sign to hold.  

Jac and Miss Johnson

Moving

I think I have put this off as long as I can.  I have such torn emotions when I think about leaving Enoch. Almost 4.5 years ago when Jeremy and I moved here, I never dreamed of becoming so attached.  But this little "fix 'er up 'er" that we bought has become such a wonderful home filled with such great memories. I sit and look around at the rooms and look at all that we have done and it makes me sad to leave it.  Even though I have a tiny kitchen and no AC :)
I looked at my children playing in the back yard the other day and watched as the ran around (in the dirt) the .50 acre we have and it made smile to see them have all this room to run and play.  I'm going to miss my friends,  this includes all the people in my church ward, because they are all my friends.  I have NEVER been in a ward that has felt more like home.  Even my home ward doesn't feel like home the way this place has.  I get attached to people and I don't think they realize how much they mean to me, but the thought of not seeing most of these people again, makes me sad.  It really is like a family.  You have the "siblings" you get along with the ones you are casual with, the fun "grandmas" that sneak your kids candy, the "grandpas" that tease, the kooky "aunts" that make you smile, the crazy ones that you try to understand, but don't and the fun "uncles" the share their funny stories and help out others.  And then there are your sisters.  The ones that have come into your life and you know that you were meant to know them in this life because you had promised each other in the life we had before.   The ones that have taught you and who have been there as a shoulder to cry on and a cheerleader to share in your successes.  Man, I'm really going to miss them and I pray with all my heart we never get to busy to stay in touch.
I am moving in with my parents for a month or two until Baby Kate is born. With the timing of everything it doesn't look like we will close on our house here in Enoch with enough time to close on our house in Santaquin before she get here.  I would just stay here in Enoch, but Jac is ready to start Kindergarten and instead of starting him here, then moving him to Washington then again to Santaquin, it makes the most sense to just move him the one time in school.
There is a quote I heard once:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Cambell

This year has definitely been one for letting go of what I have had planned. 

I really can't believe I am moving back in with my parents again.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful they are letting me, but being 8 months pregnant  I REALLY wish I had my own place.  I feel so displaced right now.  And my brother and his wife are living there too and when I think of being there I hear noise. Lots and lots of noise. 

When my friend Lee and I were younger, we used to talk about Someday.  Someday we would be out of school, Someday we would be married and Someday we would have kids... When I think of the Someday I will have my own house again and live with my husband under the same roof again, it makes me smile and all of the sadness of leaving Enoch, of the chaos of moving back home, the frustration of not being able to nest and have a place ready for my baby girl and not bringing home two babies and dealing with moving my son  to a new school and figuring out how we are going to make it seems to quiet my mind and I think "this is a good thing".  

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

-Jeffery R. Holland

So, I will pack my bags and box up the rest of my things and I will go .There will be tears, but i will just do what I have been doing this whole year... I will put my faith and trust in my Heavenly Father, because by this point I have come to accept that he sees what is in store for me down the road and he knows what he is doing.   And even though this is not how I pictured my life to go this year, I know that he has his reasons.  

So good bye my little green house, you will always be loved and thought of fondly.  Thank you for the safety and security you have given my family and I hope the next family puts as much into you, because I know that you will give them that much more.

P.S.  I will NOT miss the donkey across the street though :)

Prayer For His Sister

I really do have such sweet kids.  They are rambunctious and loud and headstrong, but they are the sweetest kids I know :)  I might be a little biased though :)
Yesterday was a hot and boring day for us in the evening, so around 6pm I asked Jac and Reese if they wanted to go for a walk.  Jac immediately said yes, but Reese was laying on the floor of her room.  When I got down to ask her what was wrong she told me her "baby hurt".  To clarify: since I have a baby in my tummy, Reese has one in her tummy too.  It really is cute.  I pulled her up onto my lap and she really didn't feel warm so I asked her the natural questions, "Are you hungry? thirsty? Do you need to poop?"  Trust me, for those of you who don't have kids yet, that is a natural question when tummies hurt :)  No was  her reply to all, so I asked her if she wanted to go on a walk and she perked up a little and we proceeded outside and got the stroller.  It was a nice walk and we even stopped at a friends house and played for a little bit.  When it was time to go home Reesie wanted to walk a little with Jac, so she did for about 20 yards and then crawled back into the stroller. When we got home, I was putting the stroller away and when I looked up, Reese was throwing up all over the porch.  Poor little girl just stood there, not saying a word or crying, she just looked up at me with sad eyes.  I told her it would be okay and cleaned her up.  She said she was hungry... of course she would be, she hadn't eaten since lunch and then threw up. I hesitated a little thinking of what I could give her and luckily I had some jello in the fridge and I told the kids to sit at the table and I would get them some.  Reese laid her head down and as I was scooping up jello,  I hear Jac say:

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for today, that we got to go on a walk and see our friends.  My sister Reese is sick.  She threw up and doesn't feel very good.  She is a good sister and I want her to get better. Can you make her better? Thank you.  In Jesus name, Amen."

It was the sweetest little prayer I have ever heard.  Reese turned her head to him and they just looked at each other and Jac smiled. 
I am amazed by the sweet innocent faith of my children sometimes.  I know I shouldn't be, I should have that faith too, but I let my "logical" side control me a lot.  Good thing I have these two to remind me right now.  I could use a little more faith :)

Cousin Vash, Jac and Reese

Cooper

Before I got pregnant in January I wanted to have twins.  I even read articles on  what to eat to have twins.  Jeremy's mom is an identical twin and I have siblings that are twins and I thought I had a pretty good chance :)  When I had my first ultrasound and was told that I was pregnant with one baby, I thought, darn, maybe next time. But then when I had my second and there were twins... I was in shock, but so happy!  It was literally a dream come true :)  I just knew that one was a boy and one was a girl.  So did Jac.  When I found out I had lost one, I knew it was my son.  When the ultrasound tech told me we still had our little girl, it was confirmed in my mind and heart.  When we told Jac, he knew it was his brother.  Even though technology has not been able to tell us this, the Spirit has.  So we named him.  His name is Cooper.  His sister's name is Kate.  I love these names!  Kate was in the running when we had Reese and my friend told me the name Cooper when she was pregnant with her little boy over a year ago and I fell in love with it.  Glad she didn't use it :)
It's hard loosing a child.  I never could imagine a pain like this.  I didn't know I could miss someone I never got to meet face to face.  But I do.  So much sometimes.  I keep going over in my mind the last ultrasound I had when they were both okay.  I remember seeing both their hearts beating and being so relived.  Watching them kick at each other and having the hiccups.  I remember feeling them both move for the first time and smiling in anticipation for when they got bigger and REALLY being able to watch my stomach "dance".  I remember the dread I felt too, but I don't like to remember that, knowing those feelings were right. 
This is something that I am just not going to be able to "get over" as I have had some people suggest.  I had one "kind" person suggest I throw his ultrasound pictures away. That keeping them around would just make moving on harder for me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! She doesn't have kids, so I tried as politely as I could to help her realize that he is my child and these few grainy black and white pictures are all I will ever have of him.  I will never get to see his face in this life.  I will never get hand and feet molds or pictures of his tiny hands with mine or lay him to rest.  And although I know the pain will be softened over time, I know I will always remember. This isn't something you just forget about.  Especially watching his sister grow and hit all those milestones he would have hit too.  I look forward to my due date and dread it at the same time. 
To be done with this pregnancy will be so bittersweet.  I am scared too. 
I met with one of my specialist last Tuesday and he was so wonderful.  Dr. Esplin, explained to me that I have a 40% higher chance of going into preterm labor.  He also explained that because of Cooper's position I will probably need to deliver Kate by C-section.  Which makes me sad because so much want to do Skin to Skin. 
I should go now, my two little darlings are not going to sleep like they should :)

Setting in

I really feel like the baby we lost was a boy.  I have felt from the time I found out we were expecting twins that we would have a boy and a girl.  Jac says he knows he was. 
The other night after reading in the New Testament about Jesus performing miracles Jac turned to me and started crying.  When I asked him what was wrong he told me that he wished his baby brother wouldn't have died.  This broke my heart. I hugged him and told him that we didn't know for sure that it was his brother and he immediately set me straight.  Telling me that he knows that if there is a sister in there, then there was a brother.  I honestly feel so too. And so this is what I will refer to my Baby A as.  My little boy.  He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to pray and tell Jesus to put his baby brother back in my belly.  He told me Jesus could do it.  I firmly believe he could, but in the same breath, I know he wouldn't.  As badly as I want him to, as much as I have cried and prayed he would, I know that this is not his will.  And most of the time it's okay. Most of the time...

I tell myself to just keep breathing.

I don't really know how to begin this post.  There are so many thoughts and emotions that it's hard to process it all. This is really long and so much more for me to remember than anything else.
We announced that we were expecting twins a few weeks ago...
After we found out I started looking at stuff on the internet about twins.  The idea of breast feeding seemed daunting, but I really wanted to do it for both my babies so I thought I would read about others experiences.  One site that I looked at had a woman's story of how she was expecting twins and lost one and how devastated she was.  At the time, I just thought, how horrible and awful that would be.  Little did I know that that article would keep creeping back into my mind, but it did.  Over the next few weeks, I would randomly think about this poor woman's loss.  It scared me.  I had an ultrasound at 16 weeks and everything looked great and it put my mind at easy. We scheduled an ultrasound here in Cedar for the 2nd of May and I was so excited.
I knew that because Jeremy wouldn't be able to make it because it was on a weekday (He has been living and working in Provo since the beginning of April and can only come home on the weekends) I wanted to do a Gender Reveal Cake Party with family and close friends.  So I started my planning on that.  About a week later the doubts and feelings came back.  I talked to a few friends about it and they would reassure me and would remind me about the good ultrasound I had just had.  I knew I was just focusing on negative things and again tried to push these thoughts out of my mind.  I wanted to go in for another ultrasound, but thought I was just being paranoid.  I had to take my kids to the doctors for strep and Dr. Newman  asked about my ultrasound and wanted me to change the date to May 9th, so that I could go to St.George to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office where they handle high risk pregnancies.  Because I was carrying twins and also because we have a history with congenital heart defects.  This pushed my ultrasound back a week and the thought of that was sicking, but I understood why he would want that.
So I just kept praying and trusting that things were okay and telling myself that I was being silly to worry about something that happened to someone else.  I had started to feel the babies move a little and that was a relief.  It wasn't a lot, but I kept telling myself that they were still so tiny.  The Friday, Saturday and Sunday before my ultrasound the feeling of loosing one of my babies was so strong that I finally prayed and just turned everything over to the Lord.  I had been praying this whole time, don't get me wrong, but I was praying that my babies would be healthy and strong and that nothing would happen to them.  This time, I really told my Father in Heaven my fears and what I had been feeling and how I couldn't get rid of this feeling.  It's hard to describe what I felt after.  Calmed. Not that everything would be okay with the babies, but that it all would be right. I didn't understand what it all meant. I think somewhere deep down inside of me knew, but I didn't know yet.
My ultrasound was on a Thursday, but I had an appointment with my Doctor on Wednesday.  So I packed me and the kids to go to St.George (we were going to go stay at my parent's that night because of my appointment the next day) and then took them to a friends house to play while I went to my appointment.  One the way in I saw a lady getting her twins out of the car and smiled to myself thinking that would be me one day.  As I sat in the waiting room, I flipped through magazines and tried to think of how much better I would feel after I heard their heartbeats.
When my doctor came in he talked to me about how I was feeling and I shared with him my experience (I love that he is LDS) and he tried to reassure me that the twins being in their own sacks was a great thing.  I laid back and we immediately found Baby B's heartbeat (sigh of relief), When he went to find Baby A's, he couldn't, but we have had trouble finding heartbeats before.   Not wanting to alarm me, he said that we would just go look on the ultrasound.  At this point I was really talking to myself, reassuring myself and trying not to think of IT.  When I laid back and the lights went off, I dreaded what I would see on that little screen.  Quickly finding Baby B and seeing the heartbeat was good, but I knew that and wanted to see Baby A, and then I saw.  My baby.  Not moving. No heartbeat. And visibly smaller than the first.
"It's not moving, is it?" I said.
"No and the size difference is a concern".
I just started crying. When the lights came on Dr. Newman explained that it looked like a couple weeks ago my baby had died.  He sat with me and talked about tender mercies. About how I was being prepared on some level, and I see it now.  As devastated as I was right then,  the feeling of that it would be alright was there.  It didn't really comfort me in that moment though. I wanted my baby's heart to be beating.  I wanted to see my baby move.  How do I tell Jeremy this?  How do you call your husband who is over 200 miles away and tell him one of his babies is dead? I couldn't. When I told Dr. Newman this, he immediately offered.  And so I sat there as he so graciously did.  When he handed me the phone after breaking the news, I just cried into it.  Jeremy said he would be here as soon as he could and I begged him to be safe.  He seemed so calm.  I called my mom and then my sister.  She needed to come get me.  I couldn't even see.  We went and got my kids and then got our stuff from the house and headed to my parents.  Karlee drove.
I called the lady who was making my cakes and canceled my party.  I cried, a lot.  My mom let my family know.  Which I am grateful for.  I find saying those words, still almost a week later, are the hardest words to utter.  I say them to myself sometimes, because it's hard to believe sometimes.
I was so grateful when Jeremy finally got there.  To just hold me.
The next day, the day of our ultrasound was here.  The excitement was replaced with a dread of seeing that little lifeless body again.  The nurse checking us in, hadn't gotten the memo and when she checked that I was there for twins and a VSD (the hole Jac had when he was born).  I had to say those words again.  Then I again had to explain to the tech and the specialist.
They needed to do measurements on Baby A.  She said that it looked like the baby had passes around 17 weeks 4 days  (I was 19 weeks 4 days then). She took a picture of the face for me and explained how it would look skeletal because my body had already started to break the baby down.  That is how it has been explained to me when I ask what will happen to the baby's body.  My body will break it down and reabsorb it. And when I deliver Baby B, I will deliver the placenta and what ever is left.  I know it sounds horrible, but in a way I get to have my baby with me a little longer.  The baby was all folded and we couldn't determine the gender which was really hard too.  I wanted to know. 
When we finally got to measuring Baby B,  things got a little better.  The Tech was very thorough checking everything, especially the heart. We found out here that we were having a little girl.  After the ultrasound the Specialist met with us and brought in a grief councilor.  He explained how because of the loss of one twin my chances of preterm labor are increased. He also told us our twins were di di, which is the best we could hope for in this situation.  There isn't a risk of twin to twin transfusion syndrome.  We will see him again in a month.  He will be monitoring me during the next few months.  The councilor was very helpful for both Jeremy and I to talk to.  
We went to the temple and just sat outside on the grounds for awhile and talked.  And I don't know if this baby will come to us in this life through another pregnancy or if I will get to raise them in the next life, but I do know that this baby is apart of our family and we will get him or her someday.
Loosing a twin is hard. I have had someone say to me "at least you have another baby."  And you know, having twins was never about having a backup. I do not take for granted the fact that I am still pregnant.  My heart shatters for those mothers who lose a baby during pregnancy and then have nothing but a memory box to remember.  Each baby lost is a tragedy.  And I know that every milestone in my little girls life will be a reminder of this lost child and somehow I already feel like I am being unfair to her.  I am so grateful to have this little girl, I can't begin to describe how happy I am to still have her. But when I am alone and it's quite, the sadness is overwhelming.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have been there for us during this time.  Your words truly mean so much.